NEED TO BE CALM
I am a spaz. I get quietly, internally bent out of shape about stuff, and it gradually makes me snippy, moody, and just generally not a happy camper. I've been stressing over trying to find a place to live, and trying not to let my wife know, as she is more stressed than BOTH of us should be. Trying to be the calm, collected one is making me want to jump off a cliff though.
So house situation is still up in the air- waiting to hear from the bank about the price, hoping everything works out. It occured to me this morning that what started as "God, if this is a plan you've put in place, I pray that everything works smoothly and that You keep letting me know which way to go", had turned into "God, I'm doing everything I can to be good, but I'm stressed and getting moodier by the minute, and so PLEASE make things work". It's like we somewhere along the way decided we had to be extra good, so God would be happy and let good things happen to us. What a bunch of crap. That suggests God only loves us when we're acting perfect. Total crap- my kids showed me that. I need to quit trying to be so together, as if my good deeds or some super strong faith are going to MAKE God give us a house. Silly. Don't know why I always end up going there with whatever I'm doing.....bad upbringing maybe. Being human maybe? Who knows. I've known for a long time what a screw-up I am.
1 comment:
Oh man I do this too. And I have distinct memories of you losing it as a child, so I can totally picture this scenario! (Of course, being the bossy freak that I am, I am good at pushing people's buttons)
Anyway. When we were trying to sell our first house, I couldn't believe how quickly I flew to pieces under the stress. The market had just screeched to a halt and home prices began falling like rocks. (in 2006) All of our neighbors were trying to sell with no success. We were slated to move to Texas that fall, and I didn't know what to do.
On top of this, we'd just finished the basement and put down that laminate wood flooring. Then the hurricane hit. Our electricity went out, and hole exploded in the basement wall around a drain, and the water just shot out of the wall and began flooding our house. Because we had no power the sump pump wouldn't work.
I remember trying to hold back the flood with beach towels. I went to my neighbors' house in the screaming wind and rain, to use their washer to spin the towels.(the neighbors still had power). We stayed up all night trying to bail the basement by hand.
Up until this point I was trusting God to move us at the right time, and that things would work out. I was 6 months pregnant with the 3rd kid, too.
I tell you - when I saw that water exploding out of the wall I burst into HYSTERICS. I am not a hysterical person. But I was sobbing, begging God to please stop the flood, etc etc. All of my faith just went right out the window.
Long story short, the rain dried up, the flooring was saved (by our lovely neighbors who let us run an extension cord across the backyard, so we could plug in our sump pump), and the house sold within two weeks.
God is faithful to me, even when I am not faithful to Him. It is truly amazing and humbling, isn't it?
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