SCARED CALM

So I arrived hom from work yesterday, and heard screaming inside my house....nothing new, my daughter is 6 going on 30, and spends her afternoons locked in combat with my wife most days. This was different though- as I made my way up the walk, I heard my wife begging for help, and saw my daughter huddled by the front window, crying. Not.Good.
So after a few moments of panic trying to get my keys in the lock, I get the door open, only to find my wife on the phone with a 911 operator, begging for her to get help to us quickly, for my almost-2-year-old son who is at this point having a seizure in her arms. My wife and daughter are both hysterical...I am about to join them. But, as I walk in the door, my daughter asks me through her sobs, "Dad, is bubby going to die?". Reality check. I look at her, smile, and calmly say "no honey, sometimes when kids get real sick they get shaky like that, and it's scary, that's why mommy is upset". She seems instantly relieved.
Now all the while, mom is screaming, understandably so, so I run over and turn off the music that's been playing in the background, just to get some clarity. I reach for my boy, and let her focus on talking to the operator. THey are on the way, and he is in the last minute or so of what would be a 2-3 minute seizure. He is unresponsive, his arms are locked rigid and sticking out from his sides, and his little hands are unnaturally curled up. He is staring off into space, but you can see life behind his eyes- he is struggling to breath and is awake, but can't move or speak. As I look at him, I say "hey man, daddy's here, whatcha doin? You're ok. Just relax". If only I could do the same.
I notice pots bubbling ont he stove, and as he begins to relax and begins grunting, and trying to move his arms, I walk over and turn off all the burners...I know we're leaving. I tell Anna some firmen are going to come in, so she could pick up toys off the floor to make room for people.....this gives her a mission and she seems excited to do it- at the least, it gets her attention off of little man for a second, who is now trying his best to cry, but can't, and trying to touch my face, but he just can't seem to control his hands, which tears me up inside....but he's coming around.
Paramedics arrive and take over, we get the carseat buckled into the ambulance, and away we go- no panic, no lights, just a quick ride to Vandy, to get hm checked out. 6 hours, a dose of Motrin, a popsicle and a sippy full of juice later, they let us head home- he spiked a fever so fast it made him seize- may happen again sometime, may never. No big deal, but scary to no end.
So, here I sit, 17 hrs later, at work on 2 hrs sleep, still feeling like I'm running on adrenaline. He's at home, awake and playing, and I feel good, but bad all at the same time. That was the msot scared I've ever been- I'm glad I stayed calm, but the weird thing is that now I feel tense and sad inside, but can't let go of it or show it. Weird. So anyway, the boy is good, and I am reminded how fragile we are, and how far I have to go in taking care of myself and my family. Nothing else for today, just need to go punch holes in something.